What Makes Hot Cyclists Hot?

What Makes Hot Cyclists Hot?

So, I’ve been thinking. What makes hot cyclists hot? Is it their tight lycra-clad bods? Their be-mulleted hair tufting out of helmet-holes? Their nut-brown limbs in contrast to their pasty-white chests? Their slinky bibshorts glimpsed when they’re cycling like they mean it up mountains? Or is it the fact that their legs – and arms, and faces, and chests - are smoother than yours?

Personally, it’s the shaved legs that do it for me. It just looks so carpetburn-free, and it speaks volumes for how far cyclists are in the cycling world – the less hair, the better the cyclist. Which is why Frank and Andy are so bald. And I’m just such a sucker for the mental image of Andy bent over with Gillette in hand, shaving cream at the ready and his leg up on the bathtub. Hot. See photo for Andy's look of concentration that would surely extend to his trusty Gillette.

But then, I also like the Cyclists’ Tan a fair bit. The way their Hawaiian Sunset legs give way to blinding porcelain thighs in a definitive cut-off point. I’m a special fan of the Helmet Strap Tan; the line of nylon that cuts through the Egyptian Bronze below the jaw and above the neck. As exhibited by sexy Austrian Bernie Kohlmaster. Look to see what a beauty he possesses.

And oh the bibshorts. They say clothes maketh the man. And they couldn’t be more right. In particular, bibshorts maketh the man. There’s nothing more swoon-worthy than the sight of nude-coloured bibshort straps glimpsed between the flapping jersey-tails of a cyclist while he’s working hard up a mountain. And bibshorts are such a dinky invention because not only do they look hot, they also keep their bikeshorts up. Genius.

This leads us on to the lycra-clad bodies. There are two categories for this and I’m a fan of both:

1. The Fabster Cancellara.

2. The Schleck Bruvvies.

The Fabster obviously represents the Not Quite So Scrawny category. He just manages to bypass the Scrawny Cyclist Tag with his beefcake shoulders and v8 thighs. All slathered firmly with CSC-themed lycra. One could say he looks quite good in it.

The deliciously skinny Schleck Bruvvies represent the Quite Scrawny category. The sign of a good climber is the fact that there isn’t much sign of them – they’re barely there. Sure, the Bruvvie’s BMIs might be 6-8 points off 19, but who even notices when their faces are so pretty? And their tight CSC-themed lycra emphasizes their climber’s muscles (so well shaved and tanned, I might add) rather than their bones, so all’s fair in love and war.

The difference between The Fabster Cancellara and The Rest (we'll leave Frank out of this one) is clear. He's certainly in the Not Quite So Scrawny category. The two little dudes either side certainly are not. Which isn't to say either one is better, because a Hot Cyclist is a Hot Cyclist, no matter what the body size, type of bibshorts, colour of the Cyclists' Tan, or size of the mullet. This is what I think makes a Hot Cyclist Hot. Not even the shaved arms, legs and chests can take away a Hot Cyclist's Hotness.