Friday, October 17, 2008

Cycling’s Dopage Debacle: Or, Answering Some Tricky Questions

So Kohl is a loser. A doped-up, dishonest, cheating loser.

The reason I’m so annoyed is that I trusted Kohl. I thought he was a really top-quality rider who (no surprises here, girls), I’d hoped would help get Cadel up mountains in the 2009 Tour de France. I thought he’d be Silence-Lotto’s saving grace.

Well, I thought wrong. The Kohlmaster has personally admitted to taking CERA, first to ‘help him get over an injury faster’, and then (my words) ‘just to help him go faster’. He had a bit of a cry in that press conference (hopefully, he’s woken up to himself) and I almost felt a slight pang of sympathy for the man, or I would have, if he wasn’t such a doper. He brought it on himself and he deserves his ban and his null-and-voided SL contract. At least now he has two solid years of Nothing To Do in which he can watch Tour de France DVDs and have a good hard look at what makes a true cyclist a true cyclist. Let’s hope it dawns on him that it aint CERA after all.

I would have loved to hear Cadel’s response when he heard that his Go-To Man for the Mountains got called in to the Anti-Dopage clinic to answer some tricky questions. I imagine it would have been something along the lines of “thanks for nothing, you bloody stupid fool” plus swearwords, plus threats, plus screaming, plus throwing of kitchen sinks + plates.

And I don’t blame him. Hell, if I wanted to win the Tour de France in the year that had the Albertinator, MasterLance and Schleck Junior to contend with, and my team couldn’t leg it with me past the foothills, I’d be pretty cranky too. I’d be thinking “Crap, I’m pretty stuffed.”

Maybe Silence-Lotto needs to put an ad in the local paper. It would have to be something like this on the left.

I’m getting to the stage where I’m dreading every news update in the morning because there might be something on the Latest Cycling Doper. And if that Latest Cycling Doper is ever a favourite of mine [Cadellio, Schleckers senior and junior, Fabster, O’Grader], I think I’ll just about renounce this pucked up, helmeted, Phil Liggett-commentated world for good. Can’t promise anything, but you never know.

BTW, does this now mean Frank or Sastre 'inherits' the King of the Mountains jersey?

[Oh yeah - Stuart O'Grady is gonna win the Jayco Herald Sun Tour! What a champ. Today he won “the first timetrial he’s ever won in his life”. Tomorrow he’s off on his ‘Champs-Elysees” ride in Melbourne. God love him.]

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Kohl should be punished by having to spend eight hours each day pedaling uphill on a high gravity planet.

Carlos gets the Mountain Jersey since he won a stage, or rather the stage of stages.

Nic80 said...

Maybe Cadel could 'cut off his head'?

Rose said...

Sansenmag, Kohl couldn't make it 8 hours a day pedaling uphill on a high gravity planet. Not without his drug of choice, he couldn't. But give him that and he could probably do 16.

Carlos, huh? Well, that's something of an anticlimax.

Nic, I think you're onto a winner with that one; Cadel's probably already threatened decapitation. It seems to be a favourite with him ;)

Bridget said...

Haha I love your ad! I wonder if they'll sign someone else to pull Cadel up those pesky mountains. I agree- he should be good looking.

I think I would lose faith too if one of my favourites doped. It would probably result in a Cadelesque temper tantrum.

Rose said...

Lol yeah Bridget, the ad was a spurr of the moment thing. I was getting annoyed. Then I added King of the Mountain polka-dots to be smug. Because Kohl's a doper and all. Eugh.

A Cadelesque temper-tantrum... lol I love it! I might have to borrow that from time to time! And yeah, if one of my favourites got done, I'd hit the roof, almost literally.

An unlikely survivor said...

Well, Kohl is done. I too feel pretty bad. I was pulling for that weird looking, swimming little dude all through the mountains. He's 26-yrs-old and his career is pretty much caput. He will probably be signed by someone in 2010, but not as someone to be groomed, rather as a domestique with no big fat contract.

Hope he didn't give up his chimney sweeping day job.

Rina said...

Annonce of tour de france 2009 is tiday at 11:30, european time.
Sastre, Contardor, Pereiro will be at the annonce and according to luxembourg media Andy too-I totally hope!

Sasha said...

I really laughed about the ad ;) I mean I didn't like Cadel but I think he didn't deserve that so I hope the team will find a good and non-doped substitution for Kohl - would make the tour more exciting :D

I can totally understand you. I know how it is when you find out that one of your favorites is a cheater.
It's a long time ago but I admired Jan Ullrich (like 99% of all Germans done in the 90's, it was really crazy here because you met with friends to watch cycling and nobody was on the street because all watched TV ;) ) and it was kind of a shock when I realized that he doped (even if he never confessed it).
And I think that is the reason why the German media acting like they do :(

Rose said...

Sasha, I'm glad my poster made you laugh... that's what it was meant to do, lol.

Maggie, I never actually barracked for Kohl. I actually had a thing against him because he was so ahem 'challenging on the eyes' and so good. But then I got a bit of respect because he just seemed a little less annoying than before... Then I got quite a bit of respect when he joined Team Cadellio. Then I lost it all, thanks to a bad decision and some tricky unanswered questions.

Yeah, here's hoping he didn't close all doors in the Chimney Sweeping world. I'm sure they don't mind how much CERA he takes, so long as he can fit up chimneys.