So, The Curacaon Vacation. Well, they certainly seem to be enjoying themselves outside of the drug-ring debacle in Europe.
Here’s what I noticed the Schleck Bruvvies doing AGAIN this year:
• They’re doing lots of swimming with lots of dolphins again, just like last year.
• And wearing pretty hideous print boardshorts again.
• They’re drinking more Cruisers in sunset-bathed lagoons with Other Notable Pro Riders [otherwise known as ‘Da Boyz’]. See fig 1.
• Imitating Sunkist/Coca-Cola adverts with chilled beverages splashed over hot faces. fig 2.
• Doing the Superman Pose in front of poolside bungalows with Da Boyz. fig 3.
• Posing half-naked whilst staring pensively at Caribbean sunsets and displaying collar-bone injuries. fig 4.
• Deepsea-diving in ridiculously complicated equipment that Andy has a lot of trouble negotiating. fig 5.
• Fishing for laketrout and then taking Rex Hunt snaps like they actually caught the fish themselves. fig 6.
• Posing in/on/and around various sunny palm-covered beaches.
• Working on evening-out those sexy Cyclists’ Tans, in the meantime turning brilliant shades of fuchsia and scarlet.
• Paddling around in the shallows with electric-blue plastic floatie-dolphins. fig 7.
• Showing us just how good they are at non-European sports like beach volleyball - Oakleys firmly in place.
• And dragging Tim de Waele along to every single event to take happysnaps of their skinny little selves and ludicrously happy faces. Again.
• Don’t forget half-naked. They do all these things half-naked, sometimes with a posed ‘come hither’ look in their narrowed eyes. Not that anyone’s complaining. fig 8.
A couple of differences this year:• Frank’s Artistic Sandiwork. What a talent he possesses. Pity he doesn’t get much opportunity to practice, seeing as Luxembourg doesn’t have any beaches. Must be tough. But maybe he could try out gravel driveways. Or, wait a minute, I just had a stroke of genius: how about snow?
• Frank’s Baywatch Run. I swear that was a real-life slow-motion moment, with corny music playing like Chariots of Fire across the cove. And truly, if in that moment Frank really was a Lifeguard splashing out to save me, I’d freestyle the bloody hell away quicksticks – coz those boardies are just frightening. And I’d only be in trouble in the first place coz I’d be laughing too hard. And Frank wouldn’t be much help anyway, coz he didn’t bring his electric-blue plastic floatie-dolphin with him. And actually he can’t swim remember – no beaches in Luxembourg. fig 9. fig 10 is there for the hell of it.
• Andy’s Smug New T-Shirt. I’m pretty sure I never saw that shirt before. I saw the teal wave-print boardies before, but not that shirt. Ten bucks Frank saw it on the rack and told Andy to buy it coz Frank may not be Man Enough To Wear Pink but Andy might be. So Andy bought it. Coz he is Man Enough.
• The Other Woman. We won’t go into that. And actually she’s the one and only woman, but we won’t go into that either. But is she? I swear to god she looks different from two years ago. Wasn’t she blonde?
And not that I’ve done a 180 and am going into it, but what’s the dealio with Frank’s Yo-Yo Relationship anyway?
I’m not such a fangirl that I’ll cry if he gets married. In fact, I’ll consider that a good thing because then at least some Schleck babychildren might rock up on this earth like any good-looking kids with great genes should. And we all like additions to the Schleck Dynasty, even if we’re not a direct part of it.
So, hurry up and get married or something, Frank, and set a good example for your bruvvie. And if Andy does what he usually does and copies bruvvie, then you never know, he might bride-shop too. And that can’t be a bad thing.
